I’ve always thought it was better to be messy… I mean, if we all have the same amount of time in this world, and I have some dirty socks on my floor, doesn’t it just mean that I spent that time doing something else, possibly more meaningful?
Who feels totally at ease in an impeccably clean home? Doesn’t it always seem like people with impeccably clean homes have something to prove?
I’ve always thought it was better to be honest… I mean, no one ever got better at something from someone telling them “good job.” What makes me better is someone telling me which parts I got wrong. I don’t take criticism all to well on the inside, and I tend to let thoughts like “got this person must think I’m a moron for making this mistake” or “I don’t want this person to think I always make errors like that” or “I wish I had fixed this first, so that this person would see me as a little smarter or more capable” run through my head. But that’s just because I have this hyper-sensitivity/awareness about someone’s perception of me. I don’t NEED for everyone to like me or think I’m wonderful, but I do NEED for everyone’s understanding of me to be ACCURATE. What I can’t deal with is someone thinking I’m the kind of person who would XYZ when really, I wouldn’t.
What I really want is to be appreciated, recognized, honored, and laureled all the time, for everything I do that I think is wonderful. I know that the consequence of this would be disaster, but when no one notices what I’m doing, it makes me think they don’t know I’m the kind of person who does those great things, or has those great ideas, and then I’m back to be lumped in with all the other half-assers of the world.
Maybe I just have an ego problem. It kind of seems like the common theme here is ego. It seems like, whatever I’m doing, whether it’s leaving dirty socks on the floor, telling the truth, or (in my mind) revolutionizing the way high school English is taught, I want everyone to know that it’s right.
I mean, it is, though.